Older Men
by Xenoglossy
Summary: Does Edward really like older men, or does he have some ulterior motive? Either way, Frank Archer doesn't care. ArcherEd. Except not really.


So, a while ago I used the random FMA pairing generator and got **Ed/Archer**, using the words **bellybutton, knife** and **candy**. Most people would have laughed and moved on. I wrote it. Badly. But I still rocked because I managed to compare Archer to an amphibian.

**Older Men**  
_Cephied Variable_

Frank Archer looked up over the top of the report he was reading when he heard his door smash against the wall. Standing in the doorway with his fists on his hips was none other than the infamous Fullmetal Alchemist, Edward Elric. He fixed Archer with a mean stare and slowly began stalking towards the desk.

"Major Elric..." Archer said carefully, laying his report down, "What brings you to me?"

Edward raised an eyebrow and began smiling in that strange, quirky way that even someone as unfamiliar with his mannerisms as Archer could reason meant he was up to something. The boy paused for a moment as if contemplating something before _leaping_ on to the desk. He crawled towards the somewhat confused Colonel and said, quite bluntly: "I want you."

Archer stared. And blinked. And stared some more. Finally he said, "I may look like the creepy pedphile type, Major Elric, but I can assure you that I am attracted to _full grown_ men." he stopped and evaluated what he had just said, "I mean, women." he corrected.

Ed just laughed and _pounced_ him like a lioness pounces a gazelle, capturing his lips in a passionate lock that Archer found himself quite unable to escape, most likely because of the steel hand at the back of his head. He 'MMMMPHED' loudy into the kiss and began to shift in his seat.

Ed pulled away, breath short and heavy, "Come on, Colonel Archer. _Touch me_. There is no way that anyone is ever POSSIBLY going to stumble into your office at this. Exact. Moment."

Archer figured the best thing to do was stare some more. He'd heard that the Fullmetal boy was... rash. And unpredictable. And a little... _touched_ in the head at times, but this was hardly what he had expected.

"Major Elric." he began slowly and firmly, "I do believe that this conduct oversteps the boundries of proper military decorum. I must ask you to-"

"OH, COLONEL!" he shouted suddenly, "I LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE USE THEIR TONGUES ON MY BELLY BUTTON!"

All of a sudden, the door slammed open again and there stood Roy Mustang looking rather like he wanted to use his glare as a knife. He looked at Edward (who looked rather pleased with himself), then at Archer, then at Edward again.

"Edward." he said evenly, a sharp undertone of anger seeping into his tone, "What exactly is going on here?"

"Ooooh, _nothing_." Edward purred, his voice as sweet as candy, "I thought you knew that I liked older men, Mustang." he began shaking Archer. The man's pale face lolled back and forth like an amphibious animal flailing about on the shore, "Colonel Archer here is just." shake, "My." shake, "Type." Edward let go and Archer's head hit the back of his chair hard.

Colonel Mustang kept tapping together the forefinger and thumb on his hand where he wore his ignition glove. Ed smiled at him innocently.

"_Besides_," the boy continued, "I figured that if anyone would let me go into Liore to search for my answers, it would be Archer."

"Are you saying," Mustang growled, "That you would whore yourself out to accomplish your goals?"

"Don't you know _anything_ about me yet, Colonel? I would do _anything_ to accomplish my GOAL."

"I won't let you!" Mustang shouted suddenly and Edward laughed.

"Hah! You can't do anything about it! In this sort of situation I'm not technically under your command!" he narrowed his eyes, "Now leave us alone. We were in the middle of something."

Colonel Mustang shot Archer one last dark glare before storming off down the hall, his boots echoing unevenly on the polished, hardwood floor. The moment they finally faded, Ed slid off Archer and sat on the edge of the desk, swinging his legs back and forth.

"That man," Ed muttered, "Is cute when he's jealous."

Archer just picked up his report and began reading again. And the fanbase thought _he_ was the unbalanced one.


End file.
